From Mad Men to Magic Mike

As a nation of horny lonely women anticipate the release of the movie Magic Mike, it occurred to me that the tides have turned on the men of this world when it comes to chauvinism.  No longer are the days of the crusty construction worker screaming cat calls at women crossing the job site with us.  These days are the days of the cougar!  The only thing missing is the equivalent of the members only jacket for the girls.  Back in the day, if an older man wanted to court a younger women he was considered a pathetic old pervert.  In the 2000's, hordes of older ladies turned the tides and started robbing the cradle as a sense of entitlement.  Samantha from Sex and the City became a role model for those who grew tired of Viagra popping men.  Midlife crisis cars were no match for a younger man with more stamina where it counted.  I've learned another thing or two recently about the evolution taking place.  Women have no shame anymore when it comes to sexuality.  Sex toy parties are more popular than ever.  Back massagers are going out of business because the stigma is all but gone.  Let's face it, hundreds of millions of people didn't end up on this earth from two people watching television together.  Why hide what makes the world go round?  Based on the reaction to a few male stars baring some skin on the big screen, women are done hiding it.  One of the biggest differences is how women react to seeing men bare all as opposed to how men handle themselves when put in a similar situation.  Women act as wild and crazy as they can when they are put in this type of environment.  They scream, yell, let loose, and ultimately let out their inner whore.  Men act nonchalant about a half naked women on a pole in a thong.  The code is just different.  Maybe we've just gotten soft.  Until next time, I gotta go.  My mani and pedi await. 

The Man That I've Become

As I get older, I'm noticing some weird changes in myself.  I'm having to treat abnormal hair growth in my ears, nose, back, eyebrows, and only god knows where else.  My stubborness has reached new levels, my love for oldies music is out of control, and my belly has reached a growth that only pregnant women experience.  After careful consideration I sat with my arms crossed with a puzzled look on my face when it hit me so hard I felt like one of Chris Brown's girlfriends.  I am turning into my dad!!!  This, of course is not a bad thing.  It made me take a good look in the mirror and ask when all this happened.  I don't remember giving a lesson with every speech I give.  Have I really been talking about the good ol' days when I was a kid?  I felt like maybe I should carry some of the other good qualities that my pop has.  He's always put our family and everyone in it first.  He's always had a gentle heart, even though he looks like he could strangle a bear.  (I'm sure it's crossed his mind to strangle me at times!)  He's always had a very strong work ethic, something I've always tried to model.  Overall, he is the example of the all american dad, and maybe a Harley is in my future!  I have incredible memories of going to baseball games with him and everytime I have had an event that I have participated in, he's been there.  Cheers, Pop.  I'm looking forward to some of the other changes I may encounter during this transformation...except your Build-A-Bear obsession.  

The Domesticated Man

I took a vacation day today.  Most men my age would have done so to go fishing, or hit up a ballgame.  I did it so I could catch up on housework, laundry, and to go do our grocery shopping.  It may seem strange or odd to some but I asked around and it seems that more and more men are picking up the slack at the homefront these days.  I also noticed that the women who's men helped to some degree were happier about that aspect of their relationship.  As I've said before, the womans role in the house has changed dramatically over the years.  They are more independent, educated, and most make more money than their spouses.  That is definitely the case in my household.  I feel that in order to earn my keep so to speak, I can do things around the house to take the pressure off of my fiance when she gets home from a long day or week at the office.  Of course the role of the nagging housewife has been put in my hands as well.  I seem to be the one hollering all the time about her not picking up her clothes or not rinsing a dish.  I'm sure at this point that I nag worse than my mom ever did.  Point is, I'm here to do what it takes to make my relationship as stress free as i can. If that means I have to put on my Aunt Jemima outfit and clean the bathtub, I say pass me the rubber gloves and pine sol and watch my fat ass go.  Peace with chicken grease, peeps.  I got a list of stuff I gotta get done. 

The Package

So, yesterday was Mother's Day.  When you've only talked to your mother once or twice in the last 6 months it's a bit difficult to get excited about the day.  I went through the motions of the day and even secretly made a phone call to her despite my sense of pride.  Having lost a friend last week and reading about a lot of my friends who have lost their mothers and miss them dearly, there was no way I could vent my frustration on a day like that.  My relationship with mom has been quite strained since I had a physical altercation with her then spouse.  You see, like many sons who love their close ones we have a responsibility to protect them.  When a grown man is cussing out my mother and sister in front of me,  he's gonna find out real quick who the fuck I am.  I did'nt think about the consequences until later, when I found out she was back in his arms.  Fast forward to now.  I'm 1600 miles away, alone.  The simple comforts of phone calls don't come as often as I anticipated, yet my obligation to be the bigger man never stops.  Today, there was a package in the mail for my fiance and it contained some very nice things and a card.  My mood was dashed whereas it would normally be uplifted.  The reason is because the package was from her mom.  I'm positive that it was done out of a deep love that I haven't felt in a while.  My heart sinks as I write this.  I sacrifice so much for people. I do everything that I feel needs to be done to be a decent human being. I keep my head up like a man even when I feel I can't anymore.  I try to spread laughter and joy to people. I love NOTHING more than to make those around me happy.  I'm the best father I can be.  I work hard and do everything I can to make more money and jump at every opportunity that would benefit my fiance and I.  In return, I deal with a weird sense of emptyness.  I've had my ass handed to me at every stage in my life and have always fought my way through it.  This is no different.  I have tons to be greatful for and my relationship with my fiance is the best thing I've ever had in my life aside from my daughter.  I just needed to put the mask away and vent for a minute.  I ask that you cherish your relationships.  Don't go a day without telling the ones you love how you feel.  It makes all the difference in the world to those who secretly hurt.         

Freedom of Speech-or Lack Thereof

Censorship in any form sucks.  We as Americans are given basic rights as citizens and the one that is probably taken for granted the most is our freedom of speech.  As our media outlets grow and our social networking is at an all time high, I am discovering that freedom of speech comes with serious consequences.  Not a day goes by that a politician or celebrity or anyone who's given a strong opinion about their beliefs is retracting a previous statement and apologizing to the masses for offending one group or another.  Aside from some moral obligations that we have, I think we as people should say what we want to say and stand firm behind our statements.  It bothers me that even athletes have to monitor what they say to give politically correct answers to appeal to the audience in fear of a backlash.  People are so different in every aspect and each person has his or her belief system that is unique to themselves.  People should realize that no matter what is said, you are not going to please everyone.  I would be lucky if half of my family at a gathering agree with anything I say.  For once I would love to hear an athlete say how they really feel.  I don't want to hear the cliche stuff that has become the norm.  "We got beat because the other team just executed and we couldn't", or "We just didn't stick to our game plan and make the adjustments we needed to get the win".  I want to hear "We just flat out sucked ass tonight, and my teamates kept fucking up", or "That stupid ass ref don't know shit".  That to me, is entertainment.  A few years ago the media world was turned upside-down when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed at the Super Bowl halftime show.  At some point in the act, Justin grabbed a piece of clothing on Janet that tore away to reveal a crusty nipple that looked like a cooked sandollar with a burnt marshmallow on top.  That set everything in motion that would pretty much destroy the freedoms we once had.  Radio deejays had to tone down their act.  Some even jumped ship to satellite radio where they could protect their right of freedom of speech that terrestrial radio could not give them.  At this point, I'm not happy with the path our country is taking to not offend the blue hairs and conservatives that bitch and moan every chance they get.  Take back what is ours.  Say what you believe, and stand by it.  Don't apologize cause some jackass can't handle what you have to say.  I live by the words my grandma taught me at a young age and I'd like to pass them on to you.  She said "If people don't like what you have to say, fuck it in a bucket".  I'll be back next week to issue an apology on behalf of myself and granny.   

The Name Game-Where Have All the Dick's Gone?

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my supervisor at work whose granddaughter had just had a baby.  Among the typical questions concerning the baby's health, weight, and looks came the obvious question.  What did she name her?  My supervisor, Richard looked at me and said "some weird name that I can't even pronounce".  I thought it was a joke at first but after he made a few attempts to say the baby's name, I realized he was serious.  This got the mouse in my head to jump on the rusty wheel and start wondering about the evolution of naming kids.  I understand that names at one point had gotten pretty redundant.  I am one of millions of Christophers on the planet.  Just going through my personal contact list I found several Jennifers, Joes, Michaels, Monicas, Steves, and Bryons or Brians, or Bryans.  Each of these people defines themselves with such a different character that the name is simply a reference point in their individuality.  Where did the name machine break and start throwing out insanely puzzling staples?  I asked several of my friends if they had noticed this trend also and the results of the examples they gave me were jaw dropping.  Parents have been naming their children Sniper, Pepper, La-A, Snickers, Pepsi, Ti9ne, Mister, Breezy, Thereheis, Shelf, Punnany, Rope, Placenta, and the most common odd name was ABCDE.  My good friend Jamie Janosky had some great points to make about the change in parent's thinking when it comes to naming their kids.  Jamie says “The naming of children has morphed into an extension of ego harboring that parent's self esteem.  Parents today are in a place where they feel so plain vanilla in their own skin that they scratch the need to be different by naming their kids silly things not caring about the added social pressure and ridicule that it will bring to them".  We both agree that the bullying aspect should be taken into consideration when giving kid's their identity.  We all remember the kid in class that had the off the wall name or the name that rhymed with something lewd or offensive.  It was an everyday ritual to tease these kids for something they had nothing to do with.  I remember getting teased because a girl in my class had the same last name as me.  Of course to an immature first grader it had to mean that we were married.  Kids are cruel, but what I've learned here is that parents can be crueler.  Jamie pointed out that “Parents, while picking a name, could and should still pick something cool for them without subjecting them to the added bullshit that comes along with an odd name."  I couldn't agree more.  I had an easy task of naming my daughter.  Her name Azilee was passed down from her elders in her family.  Relevant with an old school vibe.  On the flip side of the odd names, there is a resurgence of these types of names.  Chloe, Emma, Grace, Clara, Eva, and Violet have made a splash as of late.  Bottom line is- I could care less what you name your kid.  I just hope that you put some thought into it.  If you wouldn't name your pet hamster ABCDE, why would you name your offspring that?  I gotta go, have to go buy a 1st birthday present for my friend’s son, LMNOP. 

From Gen-X to Generation Creampuff

While walking through the grocery store the other day, I noticed a changing trend in certain areas of parenting that really raised my unibrow.  An unruly child of around 6-7 years was running around mercilessly while grabbing products off of shelves, screaming, and overall being a little brat.  The little bastard almost ran into my shopping cart and then proceeded to block my path to the tub of lard or whatever unhealthy food I was aiming to get that day.  When I saw the little whipper snapper's mother, she had no interest in what her child was doing or who this kid was disturbing.  It brought back memories of my youth when a nice stern ass whooping could be administered anytime and most certainly anywhere.  Back in my childhood, if an observing mother saw a spanking being given to a misbehaving child, that mother more than likely made sure her kids were watching as an example of what would happen if they acted up.  Nobody called 911, Child Protective Services weren’t involved, and the disciplined kid probably wouldn't pull another stunt like that again.   I seem to recall that my uncle, who raised me during these times, always wore the right sized pants, but had his belt on as a deterrent to bad behavior for us.  This made me wonder about a few things.  Are we as parents being too soft on our children?  Are we raising our kids to be a bunch of cry babies who would rather talk to a counselor or lawyer to solve their problems than solve them on their own?  The common measure to install discipline in a child these days is to put them in "time out".  First of all, I would have given up just about anything as a kid to be put in time out over a visit with the belt any day.  I'm not saying that this method doesn’t work but what would you rather face as an adult; the electric chair or a little time in a jail cell?  I also seem to remember as a kid that when we were sent outside to play or ride our bikes, we didn’t have to put on battle armor to do these activities.  If you see any kid riding a bike nowadays you can be positive that they will have a helmet on with knee pads, elbow pads, shin guards, mouth piece, neck brace, flashlight, and anything else to protect them should they fall.  Are we sending them out to ride a bike or joust?  Are they gonna slay a dragon at the end of their journey?  I took my lumps with the best of them and we had the solution for any spills or falls I took.  It was a package of band-aids and some hydrogen peroxide.  Remember, scars define you.   They also lead to great stories of how you got them.  For me, the worst example of bringing up a super soft society is happening in the youth sports world.  Basic adopted rules over the years have insured that every player on the team plays in every game and everyone receives a trophy at the end of the season.  You have got to be kidding me.  For us, if you sucked at the sport you kept the bench warm for the good players. That was your job on the team.  You showed up to practice, made an ass of yourself, and the coach made sure you wouldn't play on game day.  I know kids that got more action on picture day than any other time in the season.  I'm pretty sure they were only let on the team to sell candy bars during fund raising time.  Then, at the end of the season if your team wasn't good, you watched the good teams get a trophy and gloat while you prepared for the next sport to come around.  There was no E for effort.  There was no gold star for playing.  As we move forward and as birth control becomes as irrelevant as a cassette tape, take a pledge to make sure your kids have what it takes in this dog eat dog world. It's tough out there.  They need to know that in the real world, there is no trophy for second place.  Give them the tools to not accept failure as an option.  Make them tough enough to face the battles that are ahead of them.  Most of all, let’s give the belt the respect it deserves.  Let it do the job that the sadistic leather smith truly intended it to do.  Before you do, let me suggest that it's done in the privacy of your own home where a phone isn't available.  Happy parenting!