The Retail Agenda to Un-CHRIST Christmas

It's that time of year again.  The period of redeeming your soul after filling it as a glutton during Thanksgiving.  For some, it's the time of year to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  For most, it's time to go into debt to buy the love of the people around you.  For retail stores, it's time to exploit your faith in Christ to suck every last dime out of you.  Some argue that the stores are doing us a favor by discounting products at that period so that we can indulge on things we want that we can't normally afford.  Truth is, these same stores screw you the other 11 months of the year to give you the perception that your saving during december.  Do you think that in this day and age stores are gonna cut back on profit to do you a favor in the name of your lord?  Each year it gets worse.  Easter is not far behind.  We throw a scapegoat on both holidays to take the fall in both holidays.  A freaking rabbit and a fat bastard in a cheeky suit take the fall to get the kids excited about the event.  Nobody want's to have to explain to their kids why we actually celebrate easter.  Who invented these damn things?  Christians?  What's next?  The clearance sale to celebrate Jesus graduating to the first grade?  The same people who preach that "Jesus is the reason for the season" are the same ones who pluck a poor tree who was minding his own business out of the ground, dress it like a psychedelic drag queen, and put presents under it.  Some people say that they are able to celebrate this because of their faith in the reason.  They go to church dressed in their sunday best, which nowadays has evolved into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, sing a few songs, eat a bread wafer, drink a little wine, go home and still act like the same assholes they are aside from the hour they spent in church.  The message is lost.  Jesus didn't want you to celebrate his big day by buying Jr. a train set or little Suzie a Barbie with the Malibu dream home.  He wanted you to honor what he stood for and what he brought into this world.  We need to stop referring to the day after Thanksgiving as Black Friday.  Black friday should be reserved for the day Jesus was crucified.  The day after Thanksgiving and as of late, Thanksgiving night should be re-named corporate greed day.  However you celebrate this time of year, keep in mind why you do it.  The world will be a better place when we put our Lord in control and take control out of the hands of our currency.  In the meantime chill out and drink a big ass cup of egg nog for me.  We all know that's what the 3 wise men got wasted on when they made the trek back home.

America's unhealthy obsession with celebrity

We've all been starstruck at some time, running into a celebrity whether your expecting it or not.  Your heart beats a little faster, adrenaline starts to take effect, legs start to shake a little, butterflies in the stomach, etc.  Celebrities are looked at as superior in some circles.  I have to ask why.  I've met several of my heroes and people who have influenced huge parts of my life and I can say it is very humbling.  My issue is when people take it too far.  While reading the ABC headline news stories, I came across an article that Kim Kardashian adopted a cat.  With all the turmoil in the world, our economy in ruin, the wars brewing and other topics that people need to be educated on, was this the best that this news organization could come up with?  A person who has become famous for getting porked on tape adopting a cat is going to somehow make my life better?  Don't get me started on Honey Boo Boo!  The white trash Shirley Temple has this country mesmerized.  I've been better entertained with a paddle and ball yet all you hear about is this train wreck of a family and their misadventures.  Am I missing something?  Every week our mail pours out every variety of tabloid you could think of.  The most appalling cover stories I see before rolling my eyes are the Teen Mom's.  My mom had me in her early teens and I don't recall anybody giving a hoot about what she wore to Denny's while getting breakfast.  The extremes that people will go through for 15 minutes of fame is sickening.  The way I see it, if the terrorists want to bring America to it's knees, hit Hollywood and leave New York alone.  Americans can live without an economy but i'm not quite sure what we would do without Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.  These media whores break the law almost weekly but their fame keeps them out of jail and in the spotlight.  When your cousin Junebug gets busted smoking a joint...lock him up and throw away the key.  Another thing that pisses me off to no end is how we mourn the loss of our more popular counterparts for days and years while our truest americans are dying every day without any notice.  We pay teachers poorly while we pay hundreds of millions of dollars to people who can handle a basketball or football to the liking of the masses.  I write this while keeping in mind that I have a box full of autographs as trophies but I have never changed my mind or point of view or belief based on a celebrities opinion.  Wake up, people.  Whether Miley Cyrus cuts her hair or not, the bills are still due and life goes on.  I can go on and on but I gotta go,  I cant think straight until I find out what J lo ordered at Starbucks this morning.  

Lets give credit where credit is due

The other day while strolling through the mall with my daughter, I saw a teenage girl that was wearing a t-shirt that said Porn Star on it.  It may have been a 30 year old woman but these days you really can't tell the damn difference.  I think it's time to stop worrying about gluten in our food and start thinking about whatever the hell is making 11-13 year old girls look like Dolly Parton.  Anyway, I wondered what made the Porn Star such a coveted role in our downward spiraled society?  I always envied the cameraman!  Think about it. You show up, not even showered, probably didn't comb your hair, no pressure to perform and without him, it's anyones ballgame. What makes porn? The difference between everyday loving and porn is....the camera!  Another example, every time someone buys a new home what is the first thing you say?  It's soooo beautiful!!!  OMG, this is nice!!!  Nobody runs to Home Depot to thank the dirty stinky mexican in the 1980's Journey T-shirt or the other 17 guys crammed into the single cab pickup truck with the water cooler strapped to the side of it to thank them for building beautiful homes.  The buyer gets all the credit.  What does the builder get besides a 24 oz. beer in a brown paper bag at the end of the day? Not a damn thing.  Everyone loves teachers, right?  I give them all the credit they deserve and more.  I think that they deserve a hell of a lot more pay than they get and would earn every penny of it.  What about the bus drivers?  Who the hell gives them an appreciation day for waking up early as hell every morning to hop in a submarine sized, piece of shit to haul a bunch of sleepy eyed pissed off little bastards who don't want to go to school in the first place?  What do they get?  A big ass mirror above their drivers seat that serves a constant reminder of who rules their lives.  No hazard pay, no non road rage incentives, no dealing with asshole parents who's kids do no wrong checks.  All they get is a picture in the back of the yearbook next to the ad with the local restaurant thats gonna close by next semester.  I'm done ranting, all I ask is that the next time you praise someone, dig a little deeper and go behind the scenes of who REALLY makes it happen.  The guy who puts the piece of bacon in the pork in beans at the factory would really appreciate it.

Equal Rights and a Chicken Sandwich

Within the last couple of weeks the country was divided by an issue that had the power to disrupt everything that the mighty United States of America stood for.  It could have easily unjustified every time that we poked our nosey government heads into the business of other countries in the name of freedom.  What was the issue you ask?  It wasn't about nuclear weapons or abortion or welfare reform. It was about that dreaded thing that no one ever wants to face....Whether to eat a chicken sandwich or not.  I stood back and saw the debate blow up.  This chain made some statements that said they were against the idea of gay marriage, and so the debate started.  I've been very minimally vocal about my stance on the situation, until now.  Let me start by saying that the separation of church and government seems to only matter when it benefits the government.  Our government works just like a casino, the house will ALWAYS win.  Throw in a successful christian based business and boom, civil war.  I've heard disgusting points of view on the matter and the worst thing I've heard from people so far is that they have friends that are gay, but their church says it's wrong for them to marry so they stand by the church.  Different variations of that statement have been posted via social media and to me it's translated like this: I may say racist things and use the "N" word but I have friends that are black, so i'm not racist.  Where were the christian bible thumping majority when not longer than a few decades ago African Americans were fighting tooth and nail for equal rights?  The minorities in this country couldn't share a freakin water fountain with white people much less be treated fairly.  Fast forward to 2012 and we have in my opinion the same type of issue.  Lets not kid ourselves, the institute of marriage between what christians assume is acceptable isn't exactly as the bible thumpers make it out to be.  There are quite a few of my readers who have gone through a divorce.  Some have been married multiple times, or have had extramarital affairs and think nothing of it.  But ask them to support gay marriage and they feel that they will burn in hell for standing up for what should be an equal human right.  These are the same people who will shun and disown their own children for being gay.  Where are the God given morals and values in disowning your own blood?  A huge turning of the tides is coming.  Equal rights will prevail.  I hope that humanity chooses to do what's right.  Imagine your surprise when you get up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter is jamming to some Indigo girls, wearing a half t-shirt and cut off jean shorts with birkenstocks, hair in a pony tail and a martini in one hand.  While I'm in the express line to the promised land, I'm sure there will be a Chick-fil-A for the rest of you to hang out at.

A Daddy/Daughter Summer

A lot of you know that the hardest decision of my life was made last year when I opted to leave San Antonio, Texas to live in Maryland.  Not only was I leaving my friends, family, and career behind but I was also leaving the single most important person in my life.  My daughter Azilee has been the foundation of my life since she was born in 2001.  I'll never forget how hard I cried when I said goodbye to her before making the trek up north.  Fast forward to a few weeks ago and something great came out of it.  For the first time, I was able to take advantage of my summer visitation rights.  She hopped on a plane and into my home for an extended stay.  I could see right away by her smart ass attitude and incredible sense of humor that she took after me in several ways.  She clings to me to the point that my shadow booked ass cause there was no point in trying to keep up with her.  She's been my sioux chef in the kitchen and we've invented a top secret mashed potato recipe that she swears she's going to open a restaurant based on.  I guess it will be a Ramen noodle, mashed potato restaurant as those are the only two things she knows how to make.  Overall it's been an amazing experience for me and my heart melts knowing that she sleeps in the next bedroom over.  She makes me laugh hard everyday and I really look forward to saying goodnight to her every night.  The time is almost coming where we head back to take her home.  It saddens me that the time leading up to this seemed to take forever and now it's almost gone.  I ask each one of you with children to cherish every moment you have with your kids.  Create traditions, do things that will make memories they will never forget.  Don't take one minute for granted with them.  That is all for now, gotta go wake her up as its almost noon and her breakfast has gotten cold.  I guess Ramen and mashed potatoes it is.

From Mad Men to Magic Mike

As a nation of horny lonely women anticipate the release of the movie Magic Mike, it occurred to me that the tides have turned on the men of this world when it comes to chauvinism.  No longer are the days of the crusty construction worker screaming cat calls at women crossing the job site with us.  These days are the days of the cougar!  The only thing missing is the equivalent of the members only jacket for the girls.  Back in the day, if an older man wanted to court a younger women he was considered a pathetic old pervert.  In the 2000's, hordes of older ladies turned the tides and started robbing the cradle as a sense of entitlement.  Samantha from Sex and the City became a role model for those who grew tired of Viagra popping men.  Midlife crisis cars were no match for a younger man with more stamina where it counted.  I've learned another thing or two recently about the evolution taking place.  Women have no shame anymore when it comes to sexuality.  Sex toy parties are more popular than ever.  Back massagers are going out of business because the stigma is all but gone.  Let's face it, hundreds of millions of people didn't end up on this earth from two people watching television together.  Why hide what makes the world go round?  Based on the reaction to a few male stars baring some skin on the big screen, women are done hiding it.  One of the biggest differences is how women react to seeing men bare all as opposed to how men handle themselves when put in a similar situation.  Women act as wild and crazy as they can when they are put in this type of environment.  They scream, yell, let loose, and ultimately let out their inner whore.  Men act nonchalant about a half naked women on a pole in a thong.  The code is just different.  Maybe we've just gotten soft.  Until next time, I gotta go.  My mani and pedi await. 

The Man That I've Become

As I get older, I'm noticing some weird changes in myself.  I'm having to treat abnormal hair growth in my ears, nose, back, eyebrows, and only god knows where else.  My stubborness has reached new levels, my love for oldies music is out of control, and my belly has reached a growth that only pregnant women experience.  After careful consideration I sat with my arms crossed with a puzzled look on my face when it hit me so hard I felt like one of Chris Brown's girlfriends.  I am turning into my dad!!!  This, of course is not a bad thing.  It made me take a good look in the mirror and ask when all this happened.  I don't remember giving a lesson with every speech I give.  Have I really been talking about the good ol' days when I was a kid?  I felt like maybe I should carry some of the other good qualities that my pop has.  He's always put our family and everyone in it first.  He's always had a gentle heart, even though he looks like he could strangle a bear.  (I'm sure it's crossed his mind to strangle me at times!)  He's always had a very strong work ethic, something I've always tried to model.  Overall, he is the example of the all american dad, and maybe a Harley is in my future!  I have incredible memories of going to baseball games with him and everytime I have had an event that I have participated in, he's been there.  Cheers, Pop.  I'm looking forward to some of the other changes I may encounter during this transformation...except your Build-A-Bear obsession.  

The Domesticated Man

I took a vacation day today.  Most men my age would have done so to go fishing, or hit up a ballgame.  I did it so I could catch up on housework, laundry, and to go do our grocery shopping.  It may seem strange or odd to some but I asked around and it seems that more and more men are picking up the slack at the homefront these days.  I also noticed that the women who's men helped to some degree were happier about that aspect of their relationship.  As I've said before, the womans role in the house has changed dramatically over the years.  They are more independent, educated, and most make more money than their spouses.  That is definitely the case in my household.  I feel that in order to earn my keep so to speak, I can do things around the house to take the pressure off of my fiance when she gets home from a long day or week at the office.  Of course the role of the nagging housewife has been put in my hands as well.  I seem to be the one hollering all the time about her not picking up her clothes or not rinsing a dish.  I'm sure at this point that I nag worse than my mom ever did.  Point is, I'm here to do what it takes to make my relationship as stress free as i can. If that means I have to put on my Aunt Jemima outfit and clean the bathtub, I say pass me the rubber gloves and pine sol and watch my fat ass go.  Peace with chicken grease, peeps.  I got a list of stuff I gotta get done. 

The Package

So, yesterday was Mother's Day.  When you've only talked to your mother once or twice in the last 6 months it's a bit difficult to get excited about the day.  I went through the motions of the day and even secretly made a phone call to her despite my sense of pride.  Having lost a friend last week and reading about a lot of my friends who have lost their mothers and miss them dearly, there was no way I could vent my frustration on a day like that.  My relationship with mom has been quite strained since I had a physical altercation with her then spouse.  You see, like many sons who love their close ones we have a responsibility to protect them.  When a grown man is cussing out my mother and sister in front of me,  he's gonna find out real quick who the fuck I am.  I did'nt think about the consequences until later, when I found out she was back in his arms.  Fast forward to now.  I'm 1600 miles away, alone.  The simple comforts of phone calls don't come as often as I anticipated, yet my obligation to be the bigger man never stops.  Today, there was a package in the mail for my fiance and it contained some very nice things and a card.  My mood was dashed whereas it would normally be uplifted.  The reason is because the package was from her mom.  I'm positive that it was done out of a deep love that I haven't felt in a while.  My heart sinks as I write this.  I sacrifice so much for people. I do everything that I feel needs to be done to be a decent human being. I keep my head up like a man even when I feel I can't anymore.  I try to spread laughter and joy to people. I love NOTHING more than to make those around me happy.  I'm the best father I can be.  I work hard and do everything I can to make more money and jump at every opportunity that would benefit my fiance and I.  In return, I deal with a weird sense of emptyness.  I've had my ass handed to me at every stage in my life and have always fought my way through it.  This is no different.  I have tons to be greatful for and my relationship with my fiance is the best thing I've ever had in my life aside from my daughter.  I just needed to put the mask away and vent for a minute.  I ask that you cherish your relationships.  Don't go a day without telling the ones you love how you feel.  It makes all the difference in the world to those who secretly hurt.         

Freedom of Speech-or Lack Thereof

Censorship in any form sucks.  We as Americans are given basic rights as citizens and the one that is probably taken for granted the most is our freedom of speech.  As our media outlets grow and our social networking is at an all time high, I am discovering that freedom of speech comes with serious consequences.  Not a day goes by that a politician or celebrity or anyone who's given a strong opinion about their beliefs is retracting a previous statement and apologizing to the masses for offending one group or another.  Aside from some moral obligations that we have, I think we as people should say what we want to say and stand firm behind our statements.  It bothers me that even athletes have to monitor what they say to give politically correct answers to appeal to the audience in fear of a backlash.  People are so different in every aspect and each person has his or her belief system that is unique to themselves.  People should realize that no matter what is said, you are not going to please everyone.  I would be lucky if half of my family at a gathering agree with anything I say.  For once I would love to hear an athlete say how they really feel.  I don't want to hear the cliche stuff that has become the norm.  "We got beat because the other team just executed and we couldn't", or "We just didn't stick to our game plan and make the adjustments we needed to get the win".  I want to hear "We just flat out sucked ass tonight, and my teamates kept fucking up", or "That stupid ass ref don't know shit".  That to me, is entertainment.  A few years ago the media world was turned upside-down when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed at the Super Bowl halftime show.  At some point in the act, Justin grabbed a piece of clothing on Janet that tore away to reveal a crusty nipple that looked like a cooked sandollar with a burnt marshmallow on top.  That set everything in motion that would pretty much destroy the freedoms we once had.  Radio deejays had to tone down their act.  Some even jumped ship to satellite radio where they could protect their right of freedom of speech that terrestrial radio could not give them.  At this point, I'm not happy with the path our country is taking to not offend the blue hairs and conservatives that bitch and moan every chance they get.  Take back what is ours.  Say what you believe, and stand by it.  Don't apologize cause some jackass can't handle what you have to say.  I live by the words my grandma taught me at a young age and I'd like to pass them on to you.  She said "If people don't like what you have to say, fuck it in a bucket".  I'll be back next week to issue an apology on behalf of myself and granny.   

The Name Game-Where Have All the Dick's Gone?

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my supervisor at work whose granddaughter had just had a baby.  Among the typical questions concerning the baby's health, weight, and looks came the obvious question.  What did she name her?  My supervisor, Richard looked at me and said "some weird name that I can't even pronounce".  I thought it was a joke at first but after he made a few attempts to say the baby's name, I realized he was serious.  This got the mouse in my head to jump on the rusty wheel and start wondering about the evolution of naming kids.  I understand that names at one point had gotten pretty redundant.  I am one of millions of Christophers on the planet.  Just going through my personal contact list I found several Jennifers, Joes, Michaels, Monicas, Steves, and Bryons or Brians, or Bryans.  Each of these people defines themselves with such a different character that the name is simply a reference point in their individuality.  Where did the name machine break and start throwing out insanely puzzling staples?  I asked several of my friends if they had noticed this trend also and the results of the examples they gave me were jaw dropping.  Parents have been naming their children Sniper, Pepper, La-A, Snickers, Pepsi, Ti9ne, Mister, Breezy, Thereheis, Shelf, Punnany, Rope, Placenta, and the most common odd name was ABCDE.  My good friend Jamie Janosky had some great points to make about the change in parent's thinking when it comes to naming their kids.  Jamie says “The naming of children has morphed into an extension of ego harboring that parent's self esteem.  Parents today are in a place where they feel so plain vanilla in their own skin that they scratch the need to be different by naming their kids silly things not caring about the added social pressure and ridicule that it will bring to them".  We both agree that the bullying aspect should be taken into consideration when giving kid's their identity.  We all remember the kid in class that had the off the wall name or the name that rhymed with something lewd or offensive.  It was an everyday ritual to tease these kids for something they had nothing to do with.  I remember getting teased because a girl in my class had the same last name as me.  Of course to an immature first grader it had to mean that we were married.  Kids are cruel, but what I've learned here is that parents can be crueler.  Jamie pointed out that “Parents, while picking a name, could and should still pick something cool for them without subjecting them to the added bullshit that comes along with an odd name."  I couldn't agree more.  I had an easy task of naming my daughter.  Her name Azilee was passed down from her elders in her family.  Relevant with an old school vibe.  On the flip side of the odd names, there is a resurgence of these types of names.  Chloe, Emma, Grace, Clara, Eva, and Violet have made a splash as of late.  Bottom line is- I could care less what you name your kid.  I just hope that you put some thought into it.  If you wouldn't name your pet hamster ABCDE, why would you name your offspring that?  I gotta go, have to go buy a 1st birthday present for my friend’s son, LMNOP. 

From Gen-X to Generation Creampuff

While walking through the grocery store the other day, I noticed a changing trend in certain areas of parenting that really raised my unibrow.  An unruly child of around 6-7 years was running around mercilessly while grabbing products off of shelves, screaming, and overall being a little brat.  The little bastard almost ran into my shopping cart and then proceeded to block my path to the tub of lard or whatever unhealthy food I was aiming to get that day.  When I saw the little whipper snapper's mother, she had no interest in what her child was doing or who this kid was disturbing.  It brought back memories of my youth when a nice stern ass whooping could be administered anytime and most certainly anywhere.  Back in my childhood, if an observing mother saw a spanking being given to a misbehaving child, that mother more than likely made sure her kids were watching as an example of what would happen if they acted up.  Nobody called 911, Child Protective Services weren’t involved, and the disciplined kid probably wouldn't pull another stunt like that again.   I seem to recall that my uncle, who raised me during these times, always wore the right sized pants, but had his belt on as a deterrent to bad behavior for us.  This made me wonder about a few things.  Are we as parents being too soft on our children?  Are we raising our kids to be a bunch of cry babies who would rather talk to a counselor or lawyer to solve their problems than solve them on their own?  The common measure to install discipline in a child these days is to put them in "time out".  First of all, I would have given up just about anything as a kid to be put in time out over a visit with the belt any day.  I'm not saying that this method doesn’t work but what would you rather face as an adult; the electric chair or a little time in a jail cell?  I also seem to remember as a kid that when we were sent outside to play or ride our bikes, we didn’t have to put on battle armor to do these activities.  If you see any kid riding a bike nowadays you can be positive that they will have a helmet on with knee pads, elbow pads, shin guards, mouth piece, neck brace, flashlight, and anything else to protect them should they fall.  Are we sending them out to ride a bike or joust?  Are they gonna slay a dragon at the end of their journey?  I took my lumps with the best of them and we had the solution for any spills or falls I took.  It was a package of band-aids and some hydrogen peroxide.  Remember, scars define you.   They also lead to great stories of how you got them.  For me, the worst example of bringing up a super soft society is happening in the youth sports world.  Basic adopted rules over the years have insured that every player on the team plays in every game and everyone receives a trophy at the end of the season.  You have got to be kidding me.  For us, if you sucked at the sport you kept the bench warm for the good players. That was your job on the team.  You showed up to practice, made an ass of yourself, and the coach made sure you wouldn't play on game day.  I know kids that got more action on picture day than any other time in the season.  I'm pretty sure they were only let on the team to sell candy bars during fund raising time.  Then, at the end of the season if your team wasn't good, you watched the good teams get a trophy and gloat while you prepared for the next sport to come around.  There was no E for effort.  There was no gold star for playing.  As we move forward and as birth control becomes as irrelevant as a cassette tape, take a pledge to make sure your kids have what it takes in this dog eat dog world. It's tough out there.  They need to know that in the real world, there is no trophy for second place.  Give them the tools to not accept failure as an option.  Make them tough enough to face the battles that are ahead of them.  Most of all, let’s give the belt the respect it deserves.  Let it do the job that the sadistic leather smith truly intended it to do.  Before you do, let me suggest that it's done in the privacy of your own home where a phone isn't available.  Happy parenting!      

The Stereotyping Mind of a Wal-Mart Greeter

A few years ago I discovered a disgusting trend in my daily life.  It seemed that everytime I walked into a Wal-Mart store I was never greeted by the person at the door who's sole reason for being employed by the company was to greet every customer at the door as they walked in to spend their hard earned pay.  As I started paying closer attention, I was also appalled to find that said greeter would ask to see my reciept as I left the store every time I left.  I kept tabs from then on to make sure it wasn't all in my head  and I would ask anyone I was with to observe.  The greeter never failed me, until one day I called one of the blue haired, blue vested, older than dirt bastards out.  As I was walking out, the authority of the door asked to see my reciept as usual.  I had just noticed that this was not asked of the couples that had exited before me so I asked why she didn't feel it was necessary to look my direction or say hello as I walked in.  She stuttered like Mel Tillis to get an answer out when I asked if it was because of my tattoos.  Still, no answer.  I asked if it was the way I dressed.  She started sweating like a teenage boy who's girlfriend missed a period.  I walked out without waiting for whatever made up answer the lady was gonna come up with before she had a heart attack.  I vowed that the next time this particular lady didn't say hello to me in a sincere manner, I was breaking someones hip.  Fast forward a few years to a swanky neighborhood grocery store.  My fiance' and I were looking for a particular bottle of wine to go with our dinner.  We got to the section of the store where the wine was sold and split up to find it.  One of the employees had a little table set up and was handing out samples of wine to the customers.  As I walked by, she didn't even try to make eye contact with me.  She offered everyone in front of me and behind me a sample so I purposely walked by her again, this time much slower.  She looked at me that time and gave a little half ass smile.  I walked by a third time and when I wasn't offered a sample I asked her why she hadn't offered one to me.  She was as surprised as someone getting walked in on while masturbating.  She nervously poured me a sample and handed it to me.  Her hands were shaking like Michael J. Fox's as she tried to keep the smile on her face.  I drank it like any good alcoholic would and told her that I was very impressed with it.  I asked her to hand me a bottle so I could buy it and as she did, I discovered that it was the wine that my fiance' and I had been looking for the whole time.  When asked why she didn't offer me some in the first place she replied "I didn't think that a man would like this particular wine."  It just goes to show you that one CANNOT judge someone by their appearence, sex, lack of appeal, or any other superficial factors.  These are just a few examples of what I feel that I go through on a daily basis.  It is a lesson that I wish was installed in everyone for many aspects of life.  Until the message gets through, I will continue my crusade of calling out those who don't treat everyone equally.  So if you hear of a man in Maryland who has a Wal-Mart greeter's shoe permanently planted in his ass, it was probably me picking a fight with pops cause the son of a bitch didn't say hello.

The Fine Line Between a Hooters Girl and a Stripper

In our testosterone driven world, sex sells.  Everywhere you look, sex appeal dominates all aspects of entertainment, advertisement, and everything else in between.  When it comes to catering to the male ego and sex drive nobody does it better than a strip club.  Recently, there has been an emergence of family oriented establishments that have pushed the envelope of the appeal of man all the while maintaining a squeeky clean image.  How is this possible?  I had to ask the question;  what is the difference between a dingy, dirty, and socially unacceptable strip club as opposed to Hooters, the Tilted Kilt,  Bikinis, or other english pub themed restaraunt?  I am going to compare any average strip club in America to the lead dog of the industry, Hooters.  I've once written that the only difference between a Hooters girl and a stripper is when the Hooters girl tells you she's doing her job to get through college, she's not lying.  Although that is typically true, what seperates the help at either place?  Both types of girls are doing the same thing; using their sex appeal for tips.  They're both trained to give the customer a false sense of security whithin their walls.  Both prey on the vulnerable and cater to the needs of the man.  The only goal of both types of women is to get as much money out of the customer by using what God gave them physically.  You could be the crustiest looking guy on the planet and get treated like a king at both places.  It all comes down to that paper or card in your wallet that makes a working woman happy.  Although the attire is a little different, its not all that far off.  Aside from some nail polish or pasties around the nipples on a stripper, both workers wear things that leave little to the inagination of the customer.  Both business's target attractive, slender, well endowed woman to represent them.  The client base of each is where the differences start.  The same parents who block R rated movies from their kids are the ones who spend countless hours at the local Hooters.  Its a happy medium.  The dad is able to treat his family with a sub-par meal all while guzzling cold beer and eyeballing attractive women while jr. shoves chicken wings down his throat.  Little Suzy has ambitions of wearing the orange ass bearing shorts while earning a living.  The winner in this scenario is mom.  Mom shows the world that she is secure enough to accompany her man in a place that is surrounded by temptation.  These are probably the same women that won't go to the adult toy store to buy a vibrator but has no problem buying that industrial size  back massager cause her muscles hurt.  I'm willing to bet that 99 percent of these massagers get stored in the nightstand right next to the bed.  I mean, we all know that muscles only ache when your in bed, right?  Sure, you cant take little Suzy to the steak and fries lunch special at a men's club but why is it alright to take her to a place where she's surrounded by horny men that drink lots of beer and women  that wear booty shorts and skin tight shirts?  Although the Hooter's girl probably isn't doing drugs in the dressing room before showtime, both girls' rent and bills are due all the same.   My point is, society shouldn't point fingers at the adult industry when mainstream business's are guilty of the same thing.   By crossing a few more T's and dotting a few more I's they seperate themselves as family restaraunts.  I ask of everyone, the next time you see a stripper, hand her that dollar from jr's college fund with pride and not shame.  She may have tattoos and 3 kids but when it comes to her heart, she's in it for the same reason as the waitress at Hooters.

Fashion – an Outside Perspective

Fashion is something that I've never understood.  I always had a hard time keeping up with the latest trends and more than likely couldn't afford them anyway.  My mom spent countless hours trying to get me to mix up my threads to fit in with what "they" were wearing.  I never understood who "they" were so I never gave a second thought to throwing on a pair of faded denim jeans, a T-shirt with a band logo on it, and a pair of tennis shoes. Black has always been my preference of color or lack thereof.  If I don't look like I’m attending a funeral or a heavy metal concert, I have a hard time leaving the house.  Throughout the years, I’ve seen the trends and styles change so often that I couldn’t keep up.  My style never changed but somehow always stayed relevant.  This is a look back at the fashions I wished I had, missed, and overall am glad I didn’t subscribe to.  I remember when Swatch watches were the thing to have. They were so expensive but very desirable to my age group.  I couldn’t wait till my birthday or Christmas to get one so I could strut the halls of my school and show the world that I belonged.  I had plans to put the little rubber protector on the outside of it like the elite popular kids did to distinguish themselves.  When Christmas came and I got a Mickey Mouse watch, it started a long list of fashions I wouldn’t be a part of.  About the time that all girls wore poufs in their hair, the mullet was the hairstyle of choice for guys.  I had to do it!  The length of the mullet was equal to how high a girl could get the poof to stand up.  A girl with enough hairspray could scrape the texture off of a ceiling with her pouf.  All a guy had to do was grow the length of the back of their hair while keeping the rest looking like a military cut.  Mine failed miserably.  I looked like I had an afro made of Brillo pad mixed with a bird's nest in the back.  There was no way I could shave lines into that bush when that became popular!   I tried the turtleneck when it was stylish.  Since I have no neck I ended up looking like an uncircumcised penis.  I couldn’t afford Hypercolors when it boomed.  I would see everyone touching these ridiculous shirts that changed colors by the heat of your hand, roll my eyes, and secretly be envious that it wasn’t me being touched.  Instead of Bugle Boy, Pepe, Z. Cavaricci, or Girbaud jeans I had Levi's.  Guess jeans came and went but by the time I could afford them, they were out of style.  I missed out on the Mossimo, Stussy, and Yaga cursive logo on the T-shirt trend. I watched the surf shop fashion line pass me by.  I didn’t even know what Bo-Jons, Ron-Jon, or whatever else-Jon was so I had no desire to show off that brand.  I wore Reebok pumps and thought my time had come.  Those lasted a little longer than a Viagra pill's effectiveness. Doc Martins came and went with the grunge movement and I have to say, looking back, they were pretty damn ugly.   My high school tried to throw a curve ball at me once and changed the dress code.  As our entire class was addressed about the changes it was stated that shirts would not be allowed to have band logos on them anymore.  One of my classmates said "Well, there goes Chris Gonzales' wardrobe" and received a huge applause.  It made me feel about two inches tall.  What the classmate did not realize was that I had slaved all summer working for my aunt’s landlord earning the money I would need to purchase my band T-shirts, cheap jeans, and tennis shoes.  My mom, a single parent, worked hard to make ends meet for my sister and me so I did my best to help out where I could.  It was a lesson in humility, but looking back, I wanted all those brands and trends so I would fit in. I'm glad I missed these silly expressions of style.  You see, my style or lack thereof remained relevant throughout my life.  I can't say that about what the popular kids were wearing.  These days, you won’t find me in an American Eagle, Hollister, or Aeropostale store for the same reason.  I have decided to follow the "hipster" movement at my age and only time will tell how that works out for me.   So, the next time you think about judging a person by what they wear or don’t wear, just remember you may wear the "in" thing at the moment, but more than likely we will look back and realize that most of it was/is pretty damn ridiculous. 

A Fish Out of Water - My Night at the Ballet

Earlier in the week my lovely fiancé informed me that she had interest in going to an event in the big city of Washington D.C.  My first thoughts were a sporting event, maybe the Washington Capitals or Wizards.  I was getting ready to get stoked when the bomb was dropped.  She had gotten her hands on some tickets to the ballet and was as excited as a kid the night before their birthday about it.  At first I said no and the disappointment in her face was enough to make me change my mind about going.  All week long I couldn’t stand the thought of it.  I would have looked forward to going to the dentist before the ballet.  I worked an angle where I talked her into buying me a new dress hat in exchange for my sacrifice to attend the event.  Fast forward to Friday night and as luck would have it, my new hat arrived just in time to wear to the gathering of rich white assholes.  We took the metro into D.C. and there was a shuttle that took us directly to the Kennedy Center.  As the shuttle filled, I began to feel the discomfort set in.  The type of people that filed in could have been going to a lecture at Harvard for all I knew.  We arrived at the Kennedy center an hour early and to make my night better, I realized that they served beer!  This could be the key to getting me through this I thought.  They served three types of beer, upper class brew, CEO of the company ale, and my dad is Warren Buffet lager.  I chose the “it took me three days to earn what this 6 pack would cost” I.P.A.  The show was about to start and as the Winstons and Buffys took their seats the usher showed us to ours.  The lights dimmed, the curtain was about to raise and I whispered to my fiancé, "wouldn’t it be great if the Muppets came out right now", the people in the seats next to us were not amused.  The show started with a lonely guy dressed like Peter Pan's hairdresser and he started getting his grove on.  The pressure built as I couldn't control my urge to laugh out loud.  My body trembled uncontrollably as I fought to keep the laughter in.  He looked like Snoopy with turrets dancing on Linus's piano.  He was joined by several women later that looked like they just shared an apple for dinner backstage and left half of it.  After what seemed like an hour, the first scene was over and intermission started.  I bolted out the door like I had just learned I hit the lottery and hauled ass for the bar.  After dishing out a mortgage payment for the next round of drinks I could see the disappointment in my love's face.  We decided to leave after little discussion.  It was a great experience seeing how the other half of society lives.  I had been to the other end of the spectrum when I attended a WWE event several years back.  Overall, I learned that just cause some people don't understand why some of us enjoy Nascar races and tractor pulls, to me it's just as trivial as to why watching people dance in such fashion is entertaining to them.  The world needs that type of social balance for all of us to exist.  So the next time you want to knock someone’s form of entertainment, take a step back and analyze what it is that entertains you.  You may be surprised at how the other half would view it.

Of Dog and Man, The inside scoop

I am an avid dog lover.  I have nothing against cats but I’m allergic to them so I’ve never been able to make the connection with them.  My current dog, who I always refer to as my son, is a three year old dachshund named Baxter.  Over the years with Baxter I’ve paid real close attention to his behavioral patterns and a few things started to bother me.  Why are men always compared to dogs?  I can see why it would be used as an insult to a man who's acting uncivilized but where did this start?  Let me break it down for you.  Every day I have to take my dog for a walk to do his business as we don't have a backyard.  He floats from tree to tree to mark his territory sniffing what seems like every blade of grass looking for the faintest scent of the other local dogs.  I just couldn’t see myself cutting my pee off midstream in the master bath to run upstairs to the guest bathroom to finish.  What would the neighbors think when they see me spell my name on my front door in urine?  How would my friends feel when they open the door to greet me and I’m pissing on their welcome mat?  Every time my son sees another dog whether male or female he goes straight for the backside to investigate God knows what.  Picture me walking into a bar and going straight to smell everyone’s behind.  Some people do that to their boss but it’s highly unlikely it would fly in everyday society.  Could you really see me getting out of my chair during a friendly game of pinochle to hump someone’s leg?  The comparisons are absurd!  My dog can lick every part of himself to stay clean.  If a man could do this, the world would fall apart!  No man would ever leave the house!  The clubs would be full of nothing but women, the porn industry would go bankrupt; you get the point.  There are some fair comparisons that I can see.  I'm about as hairy as my dog, but I blame my genetics on that one.  I'm loyal like my dog, but not everyone can say that.  Dogs are very protective and so are men.  I get those comparisons but overall I think we need to give the dogs a much deserved break.  I propose that we let the pig have his day of glory and let them carry the torch for un-behaved men.  Give the dogs of the world some dignity and some much deserved respect.  So I’m asking for a simple favor.  The next time a man disgusts you, think of my son Baxter and do the right thing.  Call him a pig.

Lookin' for Love in all the WRONG Places

As Valentine’s Day, the second most commercially driven holiday behind Christmas, rolls around I’m seeing more singles looking for love in all the wrong places.  The other day I saw a link on a friend’s facebook page that advertised a perfume that was guaranteed to attract men. Several of the female friends on her page had vowed to order it in hopes that this mystery potion would solve the problem of going home alone after a night out. The first thing that I thought was unless this perfume smelled like enchiladas or a t-bone steak, it's not gonna get a man’s attention like it says it will. If you want to attract a man with a scent, rub some bacon grease behind your ears. There is no easy way to land the man or woman of your dreams. I have a simple solution for those who really want to try something as simple as a spray to land the man who will at the very least cut your yard a few times in the summer time.  Women, the next time you go out, put your designer duds to the side and put on a simple t-shirt that says I COOK AND CLEAN. You’ll drink for free all night and have a list of men who would be willing to walk your dog in the morning. Men, put away your Ed Hardy shirts and wear a t-shirt that says I HAVE A JOB AND MY OWN PLACE. You'll have women lined up asking how much you make to see if your income would fit their lifestyle. What also gets me these days is the singles that are way too picky but get frustrated that they can’t find the right one.  We all know the reason they are single is because the guidelines they use for a suitable partner don’t exist. You aren’t gonna find a bad ass superhero with no baggage and a perfect body who's not psycho so stop looking.  I was the last one of those and I’m already spoken for. My advice to you all who are single is to stop forcing God’s plan for you. When true love finds you, and it will, it won’t be because of the way you dress, look, or smell.  It will be because your best qualities will be recognized by the right person.  I'm living proof of that.

Strange things are afoot at the Liberty Tax Service

Its February already and that means two things.  One, everyone has realized that their New Year’s resolutions were a pipedream.  Two, it’s time to see the people on every corner of America dressed as the Statue of Liberty doing their best dance fever Deney Terrio impersonation.  To me, what you do for a living doesn’t matter.  Whether you’re a hot shot attorney or the guy who puts the piece of bacon in the can of pork and beans, it doesn’t make a difference.  My issue is, these men and women are doing the right thing by looking for work so why not let them save their dignity?  When I saw the very uncomfortable kid in front of the Rockville, MD branch of said tax service I swear I looked around the corner and was positive I would see his momma keeping watch to make sure he followed through with his punishment.  I’d love to sit through an interview for this position.  I imagine it would start with the boss asking if you’re willing to humiliate yourself on a local level, which I do regularly at the bar.  The next part would be asking if you’re willing to dress in drag.  You would think every male candidate would start getting a little uncomfortable at that point.  Next, can you dance?  I wonder how many candidates wondered if they were going to advertise for a tax store or if they were gonna pole dance at a tranny bar?  What does the ad in the paper look like?  Seeking highly motivated individuals with no regard for themselves who won’t get embarrassed when your gangster friends roll by and see you making an ass of yourself in a dress.  Oddly enough, every family has someone in it that is a perfect candidate for this job.  I propose that we get the court system involved.  Instead of giving a criminal probation, put their ass in the statue of liberty outfit and have them dance on the corner of the neighborhood that they live in.  I guarantee crime would drop.  I hear that these workers make a great amount of money doing this and all kidding aside I’d rather see Americans holding these jobs rather than resorting to other legal and non legal methods to make their living.  It takes a lot of balls to do what they do so when you see them doing the mashed potato or moon-walking across the pavement, do what I do and take the time to salute Lady Liberty.

How the times have changed...

Sitting in my home this Friday night, I was partaking in my usual barley and malt smoothie flipping through the cable channels when I came across something that made me raise my one heavy ass eyebrow, an amazing feat in itself.  Pretty Woman, the story about a dirty hooker that hits the whore lottery is being shown on the Family Channel.  The Family Channel is a staple in my 10 year old daughter's viewing range so I was a little shocked.  I'm not typically the parent that blocks my kid from watching some of the less edgy content on TV, I mean, I’ve let her have marathons of the Ren and Stimpy show and let her download and listen to whatever music she'd like.  This was different.  Who are the programmers of this station to think that they can corrupt my child more than I already do?  I can just see the typical upper American family gathering around the T.V. in the living room sipping on hot cocoa, singing zippity doo-da, all dressed in jammies, ready for a downright wholesome film to model their life after, and showing is this tale of a slut who flosses after eating strawberries but let’s every low life, crusty guy with a buck violate her.  Can you imagine when the questions start coming from the kids?  Daddy, what color rubber would you pick?  Mommy, is that how you met Daddy?  The comments at school would be just as entertaining.  On career day when little Rayden, cause no kid has a normal name anymore, proclaims that she wants work at a bordello instead of the office.  How do you explain certain aspects of the movie?  Now you see kids, this movie isn’t real.  He's rich; he doesn't have to pay for ass...Or...In real life kids, if she opened her legs in the bathtub, all the water would disappear.  So, the next time you read a story in the news about a crack whore who threw her life away to live on the streets; don't blame her parents, teachers, or society.  Blame the Family Channel, Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, and the bald guy from Seinfeld that looks like he's always staring into the sun.