Saturday, January 18, 2014
This year started pretty rough for me. Anxiety and depression rear their ugly heads as I try to figure myself out and take a sharp left turn in ways of career. My pride has gotten in the way of making this change as I don't want to sell myself short. Then I asked myself, where is the line of selling myself short? My whole life I have strived to be a good provider and hard worker. I want to be able to look at myself and deem my life "successful." I realize at this point that success isn't always based on career and how a person makes a living. I took a line from Don Corleone in "The Godfather" when he tells a slimy drug pusher that "it makes no difference to me what you do for a living." I've always felt that way toward anyone who works a steady job. I treat everybody equally no matter what job they perform. I joked at one time and asked why it is that people with a big job title that make a lot of money are the only ones that ask what I do for a living. I live a happy life and am surrounded by a ton of people who love me. I have a beautiful daughter and wife whom I love with all my heart and who loves me just as much. If you've seen me lately you know I have plenty of food on the table. I may not drive the newest or best looking vehicle in the world but I love my truck. My kids (ol dirty) Baxter and Teagan look up to me no matter what. They may be dogs but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to end this with a story that changed my life as I saw it. Years ago my uncle Eddie and I were driving up the road looking for a place to eat. It was a friday night. We stopped at a not so big named steak restaurant that is now defunct. We ordered our steaks and were served the skinniest most pathetic slab of meat we'd ever seen. As we complained about our pathetic meal I looked over to another table and saw a man and woman who had just finished their meals. The woman's arms were wrapped around the man and she kissed his check over and over in between her words that made him smile from ear to ear. Their kids ran around and laughed loudly. The man had a look on his face of pure happiness I'll never forget. Point is, what we deemed as a poor experience and pathetic food was probably the pinnacle of this family's week. I envied the man for throwing his hard earned money toward his family and not at a bartender. I felt that for the first time I had seen success and that was what I wanted to achieve. As I continue my journey, I'm sure I'll look back at this point in my life and realize that I am not judged by what I have but who I am. Gotta go, headed to the county dump. I look forward to going every week to yap with my buddy that runs it.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
It's fitting that I start this blog with the words "back in the day," cause I find myself referencing to them quite often lately. Every time I do, I get a quick mental picture of my dad telling me some story that I no doubt rolled my eyes over as a kid. Flash forward to 2013 and my daughter's eyes roll more than a set of dice on the Las Vegas strip. One of the things I do the most is reference how the whipper snappers of this generation have no clue what it was like to grow up like we did. I mean, do kids even play outside anymore? I got behind a school bus the other morning that stopped at every kid on the bus' house! I clearly remember walking a half mile to one designated stop that the whole neighborhood met at. If we didn't walk, we had our identity on wheels…the bike. Each of our bike's showed your personality, tastes, and in a nutshell, your social status. I was a huffy guy wheareas the "rich" kids drove mongoose and otherwise. If we were lucky, at the end of the night we could have an hour or so playing Atari. I think i still hold the record for Defender but don't quote me on that. Another huge problem I have is that I can't get into much new music. I find myself going backwards in my music catalog. The classics are as fresh to me as the mundane crap that's popular these days. Even in TV I find myself gravitating towards Antiques Roadshow instead of the popular new shows. My body is by far the best indicator of losing my spring chicken status. Hangovers used to last hours and now last days. I have hair growing out of places that just aren't natural. I have a grey hair that is in my right ear that requires monthly maintenance. My eyebrows look like Bert from sesame street and I can damn near put a weave or braid my nipple hair. I took my 12 year old to meet her teachers and was told that I was embarrasing her. That was when it hit me. Never in my life did I think I would become that. I had come to the realization that even though my youth was behind me, I have a new chapter of my life to enjoy and embrace. These are the best days of my life. All the lessons learned in my youth can now be applied so that I don't make the same mistakes I made when I was younger. I've learned who my true friends are. I learned who I am. This life is no longer about just me. It's about establishing a FUTURE with the ones I love. To that, I say bring it on. If my hair turns grey or falls out, it'll be with no resistance from me. If my hip breaks, at least I know I can count on my loved ones to get around. Seeing a concert from the seats instead of the mosh pit does have it's advantages. To the memories i've made and the ones that will come, I say till next time peeps. I think theres a Matlock marathon on today.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Everyone I know has some concept of a higher power or the idea of consequences or rewards of the afterlife. Some of the biggest holy rollers I know are the biggest hypocrites when it comes to following the word of God according to the bible. Most have sinned till it became habit, found a church to go to, and are quick to judge the ones that follow in their old past. Although the word of the bible is the guideline of life the constitution has a bigger impact on how people act in everyday life. I asked, why is that? My only conclusion is thinking that it's a fact of life because if you break a law the results can be immediate and will affect your life accordingly whereas if one sins, the results aren't felt right away. So who really has more control of your life? What I mean is, why do more people choose to live by the law but not by their higher belief? My thought is because when it comes to laws, they can be changed according to what better suits a sinner. Amendments were created to change with the times. When it doesn't suit a majority of people or how THEY sin, laws are not amended to suit them. When these closet sinners don't get their way, they are the quickest to site...you guessed it, the bible. I say we wipe the board clean and if the bible is gonna affect laws, they should across the board and not just what suits the rich and powerful lawmakers. In our government, money is power. Always has been, always will be. That's why the grossly overpaid are able to avoid due consequences when they break laws and your uncle spends half his life in jail for stealing a lollipop from the convenience store. From what I understand all men were created equal but basic human rights in our "free" country are being violated daily. Without getting specific, all men and women are created equal and are guaranteed basic freedoms unless it comes to lifestyle decisions that our powerful politicians don't agree with. Even though most of these politicians are the downright scum of this country that sin for a living, they choose what we can and can't have. The same politicians that cheat on their wives and lie daily for personal gain are the ones that say homosexuals can't have the same rights of marriage that the rest of us do. I call bullshit. Aside from politicians I see the hypocrisy all around me. I hear a lot of the faithful bitch and moan about how a lady with 10 kids collecting food stamps and housing benefits don't deserve taxpayer money but stand firm about being pro-life. It's a child of God when it's unborn but not my responsibility when it comes to my taxes. The same people that say the bible defined the law of marriage are the same ones that are in marriage counseling or constantly fighting and coveting other people. I guess it's gonna take a gay president to make the changes for equality and the Castro brothers are moving up fast. This isn't intended to challenge the word of God, it's my way of trying to get hard headed people to think before they judge. Put your bible away and let your common sense guide you just a little bit. Remember, you can't control the destiny of others. Mind your own beeswax and do what suits you. The country is in a bad state right now, looks like we could use some open minded changes cause your traditional views don't seem to be working. I'm out, my gay illegal alien cousin is having an abortion with her welfare check.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Remember the good 'ol days when you had to call people on the phone to communicate with them. When you would have to hop in the car to go have face to face discussions with your loved ones? These days it's all about social media outlets to stay connected. Myspace paved the way for the heavyweights Facebook and Twitter. There are 100 other examples but these are the two I'm familiar with. I primarily use Facebook so I'm gonna focus on that. Just as in life, friends come and go on Facebook. Almost like childhood, the number of friends you have depends on how popular or nosey you are. My question is, have these methods of staying connected actually de-connected us? There are people that are on my friends list that I see out and about who won't say a word to me in person but pour their hearts out for anybody to see online. In the social web, people gather in mini social groups. You have the gym goers who have to check in to show the world that they take care of themselves every day. Most of these people check in 50% of the time at the gym and 50% at the bar, go figure. The self-portrait peeps who take 1000 pictures of themselves in the same pose in the bathroom and post every single one in hopes of compliments. I'd like to see pictures of these people putting some windex on their bathroom mirror. The self loathers who fish for compliments and try to sell the whoa is me sad story every day. The inspirational quote over posters who feel that they need to show the world that they aren't as fucked up as they really are. The living through their kids peeps who never post shit about themselves. I hope that if there is a reunion of some sort that you bring the kid cause I don't know who the hell you are but I could talk to them about their sports careers, swim lessons, haircut, time with paw paw and mee maw, etc... The stealth moder's, who never post shit or like anything but read everybody's stuff daily. Then when they do post something twice a year you automatically like it in hopes that they'll post something again. The E-carders who don't have an original thought in their head so they copy and paste these cards with the old time people on them. Why can't we cut out the middle man and just connect me with the people that put them together. The bored housewife who stays connected all day and night while somehow taking care of the household. I could go on and on but you get the point. Which one am I? Im the guy who tries to put a smile on your face and make you laugh whether you are online or right in front of me. The guy who is sure to give you a smile and a hug or handshake when I see you. The guy who appreciates everyone that I have the ability to stay connected with. The guy who treats everyone the way they deserve to be treated regardless of your circumstances. The guy who would much rather hear your voice than have you like my status. Sometimes we get lost in seeing people as their avatar online. I encourage you to reach out in ways that matter. Life is too short to lose personal relationships for convenient ones. Until next time, I have to put this on facebook so my friends can continue to know me.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
8 Years ago around this time of year my head was in the wrong place and my emotions were completely amplified. I had gone through a deep depression for several years prior that had made me into an unstable time bomb that destroyed relationships on every level with my closest family and friends. To put it bluntly, I was as fucked as a football bat. I started taking Xanax to take the edge off. I did this behind my doctors back like a total dumbass. I was desperate to feel normal again. I went to my doctor and they decided that I should be put on anti-depressants. There was a brand new kind out called Cymbalta that they thought would do the trick. I didn't sleep for days at a time so they also gave me Ambien to help with that. I pretty much became The Walking Dead way before the series became popular. Im waiting for my kickback check as we speak. What the doctors didn't tell me was that the medication had several side effects that would eventually fuck my world. These days there are commercials that clearly outline what to look for when taking these meds. Back then there was no such thing. I was drinking heavily and doing other extra-curricular activities that made everything in my body as toxic as a McRib sandwich from McDonalds. I started feeling like I didn't want to be here anymore. I was going to church as much as I was at the bar and that didn't seem to help either. I reached out to a few of my family members and told them of my intentions to check out. They all assured me that things would be better and that I'd be alright. Dr. Phil didn't have shit on them! I was at the end of my rope. One night after a binge I decided that I'd had enough and swallowed a handful of Xanax. I remember crying as I took a second handful. Apparently I called my mom and my uncle to tell them bye. The next thing I remember was waking up in intensive care at the hospital 2 days later. They later told me that they found Ambien, Xanax (obviously), amphetimines, and Cymbalta in my system. My blood alcohol level was two and a half times the legal limit. I had more shit in me than Keith Richards on his birthday. I spent the next week in the hospital till the chefs in the kitchen started complaining about how much food I was eating. I assumed that's why they told me to beat it. I agreed to go to a facility for rehab called Laurel Ridge. Spent a week in there roomed up with a heroin addict. Lovely. When I got out, I thanked God for the second chance at life and pressed on. The point of this blog is to remind people that life is precious, it's to remind people that although you may not see it on the outside, people may be hurting on the inside. Cries for help should not be ignored. Antidepressant medication should be closely monitored, and hospital food has a bad reputation. Tell your loved ones everyday how you feel about them. It's cliche as hell but life IS too short to hold grudges and enemies. Live each day to the fullest and no matter how bad you think you have it...it's really not that bad. I love you all, you're beautiful. Till next time, now i'm off to see if Northeast Methodist has a drive through or delivery.
Monday, June 17, 2013
A few weeks ago, life was simple. I was preparing for another eventful weekend hanging out with friends and family and winding down from another long week at work. On thursday night, my wife went to a wine social so I stocked up on Lone Star beer and drank away. I fried up some fish and went about my business as usual. When i woke up for work Friday morning something didn't feel right. i was drained of energy and felt blah and lethargic. I knew I wasn't hung over as I've tested my limits on several occasions and clearly know the difference, I was just...off. I went to work and barely made it through. That night, I asked my wife if I could have the bed for the evening cause I thought I was coming down with something. As I woke up Saturday I still felt a bit off but went about my day as usual. That evening my wife and I went about our day as planned than would end at dinner and a party at a friends house. I remember not really feeling up for the night but decided to give it a go anyway. At the party I suddenly felt uncomfortable and unlike me, left the party early. That night, I broke out in a rash that resembled chicken pox. Sunday, I went to the med clinic but they didn't have any answers for me. I think I saw every minute of every hour that day and night cause I felt too terrible to sleep. I was loading up on every OTC medicine that I could get my hands on. My stomach felt as it had swelled to 10 times it's normal size from the inside with no relief from anything I was taking. Fast forward to monday and sure enough I couldn't take the pain anymore. Off to the emergency room for visit number 1. The Dr's were intrigued with the rash that had developed and focused on it. My biggest concern was the pain in my stomach. They did an ultrasound but found nothing wrong. I returned to the ER the next day with the same problem. I was injected with pain meds, prescribed some, then got sent on my way. I stayed as medicated as I could through thursday but my pain meds couldn't keep up so I went back to the emergency room to get meds injected again. This time they did a CT scan and saw that the source of my pain was a severely inflamed lower intestine. Friday my primary Dr. did some research and discovered that I had something called Celiac disease. Finally an answer but what the fuck is that!? Celiac's is an intolerance to gluten in food that causes the immune system to attack the gluten when eaten. It inflames the intestine when this happens and it doesn't allow your body to absorb a lot of the nutrients your body would normally take in. The last week has been adjusting to the changes needed to keep myself healthy. I've lost a bunch of weight, look pale as a vampire, feel like I have no energy, but I'm not missing the pain that plagued me for those long days. At this point, I am mentally prepared but a bit fearful of what is to come. My lifestyle has to change dramatically. I have to plan a lot of things ahead of time moving forward. With the help of my wife, who has been there for me and with me for everything I've gone through so far, I don't see anything but positives coming out of all this. In time, this may be the best thing for me. I put my faith in God and believe that this is his way of ensuring that I slow down, take care of myself, and live a long and prosperous life. I'll miss flower tortillas, but won't miss out on living my life with my family and friends.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Last week was Texas independence week and a whole lot of the focus was based around the Alamo in my home city of San Antonio. I guess if getting your ass kicked by a bunch of mexicans is independence, there are a lot of white boxers out there that are free as a mofo. So, I didn't really pay attention in history class but I do remember bits and pieces of certain events. This particular story is what I remember between naps and daydreaming. You see, the Alamo is a big place and there were always a bunch of men hanging around in it. The place ain't gonna clean itself. So the landlord hired a couple of cleaning ladies. These ladies were of mexican decent. I'll just call them "Lupita", and "Hortencia" since i'm stereotypical that way and none of my friends are named that so no one will get pissed at me. L and H were cleaning the mens room at the Mo when Davy Crockett rolls in drunk off his ass and pees all over the floor. He looked at L and H and laughed before telling them to go make some tacos. This don't sit well with two 35 year old ladies who have 27 kids between them so they made some calls. Their kids got pissed at the disrespect so they called all of their unemployed cousins to go handle some business. The next day, 2200 people showed up and they loaded up two station wagons and hauled ass to San Antonio. One of the cousin's sister had a quincenera the year before so they all had matching outfits. When they showed up to the Alamo, the Texans freaked out. There was no construction scheduled that day so they knew they were in trouble. They locked all the doors and ran to get their guns. There was a big battle for a couple of days but then the Mexicans had enough. They stormed the place and since the girls back home had another 40 kids that week they decided they could take some losses. The battle was bloody and when it was all said and done, the mexicans had won. They stayed at the Alamo a few more weeks till the rent was due before they headed up the road to San Jacinto. I'm not quite sure what happened after that but by the looks of it nowadays there must have been a job fair there for concrete workers and trash men. So the next time you go down to the alamo, remember the true history and heritage...of when Ozzy peed on it just like davy Crockett did to start the whole mess.