Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Darkest Day Of My Life 8 Years Later

8 Years ago around this time of year my head was in the wrong place and my emotions were completely amplified.  I had gone through a deep depression for several years prior that had made me into an unstable time bomb that destroyed relationships on every level with my closest family and friends.  To put it bluntly, I was as fucked as a football bat.  I started taking Xanax to take the edge off. I did this behind my doctors back like a total dumbass.  I was desperate to feel normal again.  I went to my doctor and they decided that I should be put on anti-depressants.  There was a brand new kind out called Cymbalta that they thought would do the trick.  I didn't sleep for days at a time so they also gave me Ambien to help with that.  I pretty much became The Walking Dead way before the series became popular.  Im waiting for my kickback check as we speak.  What the doctors didn't tell me was that the medication had several side effects that would eventually fuck my world.  These days there are commercials that clearly outline what to look for when taking these meds.  Back then there was no such thing.  I was drinking heavily and doing other extra-curricular activities that made everything in my body as toxic as a McRib sandwich from McDonalds.  I started feeling like I didn't want to be here anymore.  I was going to church as much as I was at the bar and that didn't seem to help either.  I reached out to a few of my family members and told them of my intentions to check out.  They all assured me that things would be better and that I'd be alright.  Dr. Phil didn't have shit on them! I was at the end of my rope.  One night after a binge I decided that I'd had enough and swallowed a handful of Xanax.  I remember crying as I took a second handful.  Apparently I called my mom and my uncle to tell them bye.  The next thing I remember was waking up in intensive care at the hospital 2 days later.  They later told me that they found Ambien, Xanax (obviously), amphetimines, and Cymbalta in my system.  My blood alcohol level was two and a half times the legal limit.  I had more shit in me than Keith Richards on his birthday.  I spent the next week in the hospital till the chefs in the kitchen started complaining about how much food I was eating.  I assumed that's why they told me to beat it.  I agreed to go to a facility for rehab called Laurel Ridge.  Spent a week in there roomed up with a heroin addict. Lovely.  When I got out, I thanked God for the second chance at life and pressed on.  The point of this blog is to remind people that life is precious,  it's to remind people that although you may not see it on the outside, people may be hurting on the inside.  Cries for help should not be ignored.  Antidepressant medication should be closely monitored, and hospital food has a bad reputation.  Tell your loved ones everyday how you feel about them.  It's cliche as hell but life IS too short to hold grudges and enemies. Live each day to the fullest and no matter how bad you think you have it...it's really not that bad.  I love you all, you're beautiful.  Till next time, now i'm off to see if Northeast Methodist has a drive through or delivery.

3 comments:

  1. Been in those shoes. It is a long walk back to feeling human again. Glad you made it back too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for sharing your past experience I felt your pain and your story made me cry. Happy to know you made it through and youre in a better place now. We get so busy with our lives that I do think we forget whats important. Thanks for the reminder.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I really appreciate the feedback. There is so much more detail I could have gone into on the time leading up to this and my recovery and victory. It was really hard to share this with the world but now i'm glad I did. I wrote a handwritten book about everything I went through but I burned it as part of closure 2 years ago. Maybe I should re-write it properly.

    ReplyDelete