The Battle of the Alamo, What REALLY Went Down

Last week was Texas independence week and a whole lot of the focus was based around the Alamo in my home city of San Antonio.  I guess if getting your ass kicked by a bunch of mexicans is independence, there are a lot of white boxers out there that are free as a mofo.  So, I didn't really pay attention in history class but I do remember bits and pieces of certain events.  This particular story is what I remember between naps and daydreaming.  You see, the Alamo is a big place and there were always a bunch of men hanging around in it.  The place ain't gonna clean itself.  So the landlord hired a couple of cleaning ladies.  These ladies were of mexican decent.  I'll just call them "Lupita", and "Hortencia" since i'm stereotypical that way and none of my friends are named that so no one will get pissed at me.  L and H were cleaning the mens room at the Mo when Davy Crockett rolls in drunk off his ass and pees all over the floor.  He looked at L and H and laughed before telling them to go make some tacos.  This don't sit well with two 35 year old ladies who have 27 kids between them so they made some calls.  Their kids got pissed at the disrespect so they called all of their unemployed cousins to go handle some business.  The next day, 2200 people showed up and they loaded up two station wagons and hauled ass to San Antonio.  One of the cousin's sister had a quincenera the year before so they all had  matching outfits.  When they showed up to the Alamo, the Texans freaked out.  There was no construction scheduled that day so they knew they were in trouble.  They locked all the doors and ran to get their guns.  There was a big battle for a couple of days but then the Mexicans had enough.  They stormed the place and since the girls back home had another 40 kids that week they decided they could take some losses.  The battle was bloody and when it was all said and done, the mexicans had won.  They stayed at the Alamo a few more weeks till the rent was due before they headed up the road to San Jacinto.  I'm not quite sure what happened after that but by the looks of it nowadays there must have been a job fair there for concrete workers and trash men.  So the next time you go down to the alamo, remember the true history and heritage...of when Ozzy peed on it just like davy Crockett did to start the whole mess.    

Dr. Seuss: Book writer for children, or closet sex addict?

We've all heard the stories of playing music backwards and the hidden meanings you'll find, but there are obvious examples of undertones that smack you right in the face where you wouldn't expect them.  At my latest trip to the local bookstore I had a revelation of epic proportions.  Dr. Suess, who has written several books aimed at children, might have actually had an ulterior motive.  Maybe it was the alcohol flowing through my brain or a sign that my subconscious made me take notice of but the evidence is clear as day.  "Hop on Pop" has all the makings of a modern day incest story written all over it.  "Green Eggs and Ham" is the docs way of explaining his own anatomy which he tends to do in later titles.  The green eggs serving as the testicles and the ham obviously representing the dong.  No sir, I would NOT like them in a box with a fox!!!  "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" is mr. children's book man's experience with hygiene challenged women.  That book was clearly written for his support of Summers Eve.  "Yertle the Turtle" was his way of explaining to the world that he felt challenged cause he was uncircumcised.  "The Foot Book" is way too easy. The man had a foot fetish that would put Rex Ryan to shame.  "Fox in Socks" explains the time he kicked a hooker out of his pad after sex with nothing on but her feet warmers.  "The Butter Battle Book" was originally titled Butter Batter but he had to change it cause of the uptight librarian movement of the 80's.  "Horton Hatches the Egg" tells about the time he got a woman pregnant and had to pay child support.  "Theres a Wocket in my Pocket" is his way of telling us that he and John Holmes had a lot in common.  "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today" is clearly about his ability to perform cunnilingus.  Of course the biggest title he had was the biggest clue.  "The Cat in the Hat"  was undoubtedly his proclamation to the world that he loved the woman's nether region.  It's all there, people!!!  The poor man was reaching out to us for years and nobody saw the signs.  There was a rumor floating around that his typewriter went up for auction but all the buttons were stuck together.  Doesn't sound odd to me at all anymore.  I salute you, Mr. Suess P.H.D., you have given me a new outlook on life one rhyme at a time.    

All Guns and No Roses

Seems like every time I turn around there is a strong topic that divides this great country.  This month is all about guns and gun control.  If you are an american with a heart, it undoubtedly broke when news of a shooter that took the lives of several young kids and teachers at an elementary school hit.  There is no excuse whatsoever for the events that took place.  The biggest issue that came out of this was that the loon used guns to execute said victims.  We've all heard the saying that guns don't kill people, people kill people and I somewhat agree.  If you put the wrong person behind the wheel of a car he or she can do as much damage as a person with a gun.  Do we need to outlaw cars?  Should we put a breathalyzer in every car as a means to deter a drunk driver from going out and killing an innocent family?  I mentioned that this country only acts on violence after the fact and hardly ever in a preventative manner.  What is it going to take to make people realize that no matter what, the wrong person in the wrong situation is going to make wrong decisions.  I was disagreed with when I stated that this idiot could have done as much damage had he run a car through the school than if he had opened fire with a gun.   Why is that so far fetched?  Did everyone see the threat of people hijacking planes on 911 to fly them into buildings?  My point is, violence is in our nature.  We are a self destructive civilization that loves to point fingers in every direction instead of where they should point.  At ourselves.  Mental illness has been around since we were created.  Why now is it ok to overanalyze the brain of a violent person?  I was appalled when the media tried to blame asbergers as the reason for what took place.  Once again pointing fingers in the wrong direction.  If I had to take a side on gun control I would be somewhere in the middle.  I think that people have the right to have guns but I don't see any reason whatsoever to own an assault rifle.  Your not going to need an AK-47 to hunt or protect whats yours.  The sole purpose of those types of weapons is mass destruction.  Destruction of our nation is all we are getting from them.  It's easier to obtain one of these weapons than it should be.  A major change is coming, way overdue.  Once again the government is acting retroactively to something that could have been prevented.  For once, the government is gonna get it right.  My heart goes out to all that have suffered as a result of gun violence.  For those that put their 2nd amendment rights above common sense,  I pray that you don't have to go through what these victims have.  It would sure be a pain in the ass to cover your NRA bumper sticker with an anti-gun violence one.

The Retail Agenda to Un-CHRIST Christmas

It's that time of year again.  The period of redeeming your soul after filling it as a glutton during Thanksgiving.  For some, it's the time of year to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  For most, it's time to go into debt to buy the love of the people around you.  For retail stores, it's time to exploit your faith in Christ to suck every last dime out of you.  Some argue that the stores are doing us a favor by discounting products at that period so that we can indulge on things we want that we can't normally afford.  Truth is, these same stores screw you the other 11 months of the year to give you the perception that your saving during december.  Do you think that in this day and age stores are gonna cut back on profit to do you a favor in the name of your lord?  Each year it gets worse.  Easter is not far behind.  We throw a scapegoat on both holidays to take the fall in both holidays.  A freaking rabbit and a fat bastard in a cheeky suit take the fall to get the kids excited about the event.  Nobody want's to have to explain to their kids why we actually celebrate easter.  Who invented these damn things?  Christians?  What's next?  The clearance sale to celebrate Jesus graduating to the first grade?  The same people who preach that "Jesus is the reason for the season" are the same ones who pluck a poor tree who was minding his own business out of the ground, dress it like a psychedelic drag queen, and put presents under it.  Some people say that they are able to celebrate this because of their faith in the reason.  They go to church dressed in their sunday best, which nowadays has evolved into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, sing a few songs, eat a bread wafer, drink a little wine, go home and still act like the same assholes they are aside from the hour they spent in church.  The message is lost.  Jesus didn't want you to celebrate his big day by buying Jr. a train set or little Suzie a Barbie with the Malibu dream home.  He wanted you to honor what he stood for and what he brought into this world.  We need to stop referring to the day after Thanksgiving as Black Friday.  Black friday should be reserved for the day Jesus was crucified.  The day after Thanksgiving and as of late, Thanksgiving night should be re-named corporate greed day.  However you celebrate this time of year, keep in mind why you do it.  The world will be a better place when we put our Lord in control and take control out of the hands of our currency.  In the meantime chill out and drink a big ass cup of egg nog for me.  We all know that's what the 3 wise men got wasted on when they made the trek back home.

America's unhealthy obsession with celebrity

We've all been starstruck at some time, running into a celebrity whether your expecting it or not.  Your heart beats a little faster, adrenaline starts to take effect, legs start to shake a little, butterflies in the stomach, etc.  Celebrities are looked at as superior in some circles.  I have to ask why.  I've met several of my heroes and people who have influenced huge parts of my life and I can say it is very humbling.  My issue is when people take it too far.  While reading the ABC headline news stories, I came across an article that Kim Kardashian adopted a cat.  With all the turmoil in the world, our economy in ruin, the wars brewing and other topics that people need to be educated on, was this the best that this news organization could come up with?  A person who has become famous for getting porked on tape adopting a cat is going to somehow make my life better?  Don't get me started on Honey Boo Boo!  The white trash Shirley Temple has this country mesmerized.  I've been better entertained with a paddle and ball yet all you hear about is this train wreck of a family and their misadventures.  Am I missing something?  Every week our mail pours out every variety of tabloid you could think of.  The most appalling cover stories I see before rolling my eyes are the Teen Mom's.  My mom had me in her early teens and I don't recall anybody giving a hoot about what she wore to Denny's while getting breakfast.  The extremes that people will go through for 15 minutes of fame is sickening.  The way I see it, if the terrorists want to bring America to it's knees, hit Hollywood and leave New York alone.  Americans can live without an economy but i'm not quite sure what we would do without Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.  These media whores break the law almost weekly but their fame keeps them out of jail and in the spotlight.  When your cousin Junebug gets busted smoking a joint...lock him up and throw away the key.  Another thing that pisses me off to no end is how we mourn the loss of our more popular counterparts for days and years while our truest americans are dying every day without any notice.  We pay teachers poorly while we pay hundreds of millions of dollars to people who can handle a basketball or football to the liking of the masses.  I write this while keeping in mind that I have a box full of autographs as trophies but I have never changed my mind or point of view or belief based on a celebrities opinion.  Wake up, people.  Whether Miley Cyrus cuts her hair or not, the bills are still due and life goes on.  I can go on and on but I gotta go,  I cant think straight until I find out what J lo ordered at Starbucks this morning.  

Lets give credit where credit is due

The other day while strolling through the mall with my daughter, I saw a teenage girl that was wearing a t-shirt that said Porn Star on it.  It may have been a 30 year old woman but these days you really can't tell the damn difference.  I think it's time to stop worrying about gluten in our food and start thinking about whatever the hell is making 11-13 year old girls look like Dolly Parton.  Anyway, I wondered what made the Porn Star such a coveted role in our downward spiraled society?  I always envied the cameraman!  Think about it. You show up, not even showered, probably didn't comb your hair, no pressure to perform and without him, it's anyones ballgame. What makes porn? The difference between everyday loving and porn is....the camera!  Another example, every time someone buys a new home what is the first thing you say?  It's soooo beautiful!!!  OMG, this is nice!!!  Nobody runs to Home Depot to thank the dirty stinky mexican in the 1980's Journey T-shirt or the other 17 guys crammed into the single cab pickup truck with the water cooler strapped to the side of it to thank them for building beautiful homes.  The buyer gets all the credit.  What does the builder get besides a 24 oz. beer in a brown paper bag at the end of the day? Not a damn thing.  Everyone loves teachers, right?  I give them all the credit they deserve and more.  I think that they deserve a hell of a lot more pay than they get and would earn every penny of it.  What about the bus drivers?  Who the hell gives them an appreciation day for waking up early as hell every morning to hop in a submarine sized, piece of shit to haul a bunch of sleepy eyed pissed off little bastards who don't want to go to school in the first place?  What do they get?  A big ass mirror above their drivers seat that serves a constant reminder of who rules their lives.  No hazard pay, no non road rage incentives, no dealing with asshole parents who's kids do no wrong checks.  All they get is a picture in the back of the yearbook next to the ad with the local restaurant thats gonna close by next semester.  I'm done ranting, all I ask is that the next time you praise someone, dig a little deeper and go behind the scenes of who REALLY makes it happen.  The guy who puts the piece of bacon in the pork in beans at the factory would really appreciate it.

Equal Rights and a Chicken Sandwich

Within the last couple of weeks the country was divided by an issue that had the power to disrupt everything that the mighty United States of America stood for.  It could have easily unjustified every time that we poked our nosey government heads into the business of other countries in the name of freedom.  What was the issue you ask?  It wasn't about nuclear weapons or abortion or welfare reform. It was about that dreaded thing that no one ever wants to face....Whether to eat a chicken sandwich or not.  I stood back and saw the debate blow up.  This chain made some statements that said they were against the idea of gay marriage, and so the debate started.  I've been very minimally vocal about my stance on the situation, until now.  Let me start by saying that the separation of church and government seems to only matter when it benefits the government.  Our government works just like a casino, the house will ALWAYS win.  Throw in a successful christian based business and boom, civil war.  I've heard disgusting points of view on the matter and the worst thing I've heard from people so far is that they have friends that are gay, but their church says it's wrong for them to marry so they stand by the church.  Different variations of that statement have been posted via social media and to me it's translated like this: I may say racist things and use the "N" word but I have friends that are black, so i'm not racist.  Where were the christian bible thumping majority when not longer than a few decades ago African Americans were fighting tooth and nail for equal rights?  The minorities in this country couldn't share a freakin water fountain with white people much less be treated fairly.  Fast forward to 2012 and we have in my opinion the same type of issue.  Lets not kid ourselves, the institute of marriage between what christians assume is acceptable isn't exactly as the bible thumpers make it out to be.  There are quite a few of my readers who have gone through a divorce.  Some have been married multiple times, or have had extramarital affairs and think nothing of it.  But ask them to support gay marriage and they feel that they will burn in hell for standing up for what should be an equal human right.  These are the same people who will shun and disown their own children for being gay.  Where are the God given morals and values in disowning your own blood?  A huge turning of the tides is coming.  Equal rights will prevail.  I hope that humanity chooses to do what's right.  Imagine your surprise when you get up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter is jamming to some Indigo girls, wearing a half t-shirt and cut off jean shorts with birkenstocks, hair in a pony tail and a martini in one hand.  While I'm in the express line to the promised land, I'm sure there will be a Chick-fil-A for the rest of you to hang out at.