Saturday, February 25, 2012

A Fish Out of Water - My Night at the Ballet

Earlier in the week my lovely fiancĂ© informed me that she had interest in going to an event in the big city of Washington D.C.  My first thoughts were a sporting event, maybe the Washington Capitals or Wizards.  I was getting ready to get stoked when the bomb was dropped.  She had gotten her hands on some tickets to the ballet and was as excited as a kid the night before their birthday about it.  At first I said no and the disappointment in her face was enough to make me change my mind about going.  All week long I couldn’t stand the thought of it.  I would have looked forward to going to the dentist before the ballet.  I worked an angle where I talked her into buying me a new dress hat in exchange for my sacrifice to attend the event.  Fast forward to Friday night and as luck would have it, my new hat arrived just in time to wear to the gathering of rich white assholes.  We took the metro into D.C. and there was a shuttle that took us directly to the Kennedy Center.  As the shuttle filled, I began to feel the discomfort set in.  The type of people that filed in could have been going to a lecture at Harvard for all I knew.  We arrived at the Kennedy center an hour early and to make my night better, I realized that they served beer!  This could be the key to getting me through this I thought.  They served three types of beer, upper class brew, CEO of the company ale, and my dad is Warren Buffet lager.  I chose the “it took me three days to earn what this 6 pack would cost” I.P.A.  The show was about to start and as the Winstons and Buffys took their seats the usher showed us to ours.  The lights dimmed, the curtain was about to raise and I whispered to my fiancĂ©, "wouldn’t it be great if the Muppets came out right now", the people in the seats next to us were not amused.  The show started with a lonely guy dressed like Peter Pan's hairdresser and he started getting his grove on.  The pressure built as I couldn't control my urge to laugh out loud.  My body trembled uncontrollably as I fought to keep the laughter in.  He looked like Snoopy with turrets dancing on Linus's piano.  He was joined by several women later that looked like they just shared an apple for dinner backstage and left half of it.  After what seemed like an hour, the first scene was over and intermission started.  I bolted out the door like I had just learned I hit the lottery and hauled ass for the bar.  After dishing out a mortgage payment for the next round of drinks I could see the disappointment in my love's face.  We decided to leave after little discussion.  It was a great experience seeing how the other half of society lives.  I had been to the other end of the spectrum when I attended a WWE event several years back.  Overall, I learned that just cause some people don't understand why some of us enjoy Nascar races and tractor pulls, to me it's just as trivial as to why watching people dance in such fashion is entertaining to them.  The world needs that type of social balance for all of us to exist.  So the next time you want to knock someone’s form of entertainment, take a step back and analyze what it is that entertains you.  You may be surprised at how the other half would view it.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Of Dog and Man, The inside scoop

I am an avid dog lover.  I have nothing against cats but I’m allergic to them so I’ve never been able to make the connection with them.  My current dog, who I always refer to as my son, is a three year old dachshund named Baxter.  Over the years with Baxter I’ve paid real close attention to his behavioral patterns and a few things started to bother me.  Why are men always compared to dogs?  I can see why it would be used as an insult to a man who's acting uncivilized but where did this start?  Let me break it down for you.  Every day I have to take my dog for a walk to do his business as we don't have a backyard.  He floats from tree to tree to mark his territory sniffing what seems like every blade of grass looking for the faintest scent of the other local dogs.  I just couldn’t see myself cutting my pee off midstream in the master bath to run upstairs to the guest bathroom to finish.  What would the neighbors think when they see me spell my name on my front door in urine?  How would my friends feel when they open the door to greet me and I’m pissing on their welcome mat?  Every time my son sees another dog whether male or female he goes straight for the backside to investigate God knows what.  Picture me walking into a bar and going straight to smell everyone’s behind.  Some people do that to their boss but it’s highly unlikely it would fly in everyday society.  Could you really see me getting out of my chair during a friendly game of pinochle to hump someone’s leg?  The comparisons are absurd!  My dog can lick every part of himself to stay clean.  If a man could do this, the world would fall apart!  No man would ever leave the house!  The clubs would be full of nothing but women, the porn industry would go bankrupt; you get the point.  There are some fair comparisons that I can see.  I'm about as hairy as my dog, but I blame my genetics on that one.  I'm loyal like my dog, but not everyone can say that.  Dogs are very protective and so are men.  I get those comparisons but overall I think we need to give the dogs a much deserved break.  I propose that we let the pig have his day of glory and let them carry the torch for un-behaved men.  Give the dogs of the world some dignity and some much deserved respect.  So I’m asking for a simple favor.  The next time a man disgusts you, think of my son Baxter and do the right thing.  Call him a pig.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Lookin' for Love in all the WRONG Places

As Valentine’s Day, the second most commercially driven holiday behind Christmas, rolls around I’m seeing more singles looking for love in all the wrong places.  The other day I saw a link on a friend’s facebook page that advertised a perfume that was guaranteed to attract men. Several of the female friends on her page had vowed to order it in hopes that this mystery potion would solve the problem of going home alone after a night out. The first thing that I thought was unless this perfume smelled like enchiladas or a t-bone steak, it's not gonna get a man’s attention like it says it will. If you want to attract a man with a scent, rub some bacon grease behind your ears. There is no easy way to land the man or woman of your dreams. I have a simple solution for those who really want to try something as simple as a spray to land the man who will at the very least cut your yard a few times in the summer time.  Women, the next time you go out, put your designer duds to the side and put on a simple t-shirt that says I COOK AND CLEAN. You’ll drink for free all night and have a list of men who would be willing to walk your dog in the morning. Men, put away your Ed Hardy shirts and wear a t-shirt that says I HAVE A JOB AND MY OWN PLACE. You'll have women lined up asking how much you make to see if your income would fit their lifestyle. What also gets me these days is the singles that are way too picky but get frustrated that they can’t find the right one.  We all know the reason they are single is because the guidelines they use for a suitable partner don’t exist. You aren’t gonna find a bad ass superhero with no baggage and a perfect body who's not psycho so stop looking.  I was the last one of those and I’m already spoken for. My advice to you all who are single is to stop forcing God’s plan for you. When true love finds you, and it will, it won’t be because of the way you dress, look, or smell.  It will be because your best qualities will be recognized by the right person.  I'm living proof of that.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Strange things are afoot at the Liberty Tax Service

Its February already and that means two things.  One, everyone has realized that their New Year’s resolutions were a pipedream.  Two, it’s time to see the people on every corner of America dressed as the Statue of Liberty doing their best dance fever Deney Terrio impersonation.  To me, what you do for a living doesn’t matter.  Whether you’re a hot shot attorney or the guy who puts the piece of bacon in the can of pork and beans, it doesn’t make a difference.  My issue is, these men and women are doing the right thing by looking for work so why not let them save their dignity?  When I saw the very uncomfortable kid in front of the Rockville, MD branch of said tax service I swear I looked around the corner and was positive I would see his momma keeping watch to make sure he followed through with his punishment.  I’d love to sit through an interview for this position.  I imagine it would start with the boss asking if you’re willing to humiliate yourself on a local level, which I do regularly at the bar.  The next part would be asking if you’re willing to dress in drag.  You would think every male candidate would start getting a little uncomfortable at that point.  Next, can you dance?  I wonder how many candidates wondered if they were going to advertise for a tax store or if they were gonna pole dance at a tranny bar?  What does the ad in the paper look like?  Seeking highly motivated individuals with no regard for themselves who won’t get embarrassed when your gangster friends roll by and see you making an ass of yourself in a dress.  Oddly enough, every family has someone in it that is a perfect candidate for this job.  I propose that we get the court system involved.  Instead of giving a criminal probation, put their ass in the statue of liberty outfit and have them dance on the corner of the neighborhood that they live in.  I guarantee crime would drop.  I hear that these workers make a great amount of money doing this and all kidding aside I’d rather see Americans holding these jobs rather than resorting to other legal and non legal methods to make their living.  It takes a lot of balls to do what they do so when you see them doing the mashed potato or moon-walking across the pavement, do what I do and take the time to salute Lady Liberty.